tag:dreamwidth.org,2016-07-26:2535431boys like me belong to the raingay, trans and unapologeticlawrence2016-07-29T10:08:19Ztag:dreamwidth.org,2016-07-26:2535431:618i'm not in love2016-07-29T10:08:19Z2016-07-29T10:08:19Zoverwatch in the backgrounddrainedpublic0 am i? no! no! i'm not in love i'm just ... i just really like them. in between loving and liking. eco-tone.<br /><br />god, it started in year nine. i was young and naive, and i didn't know what lay inside me. fuck, i was young. fourteen.<br /><br />i remember it so vividly. year nine geography, one day. one damn day in geography - they were sitting half a dozen seats in front of me, and on my left. they were smart, and quick to laugh, and, god, their smile was intoxicating.<br /><br />i was fascinated. what was this feeling? i had thought that girls were pretty before - i understood attractiveness, but this was. this was full blown attraction, mildly restrained out of my own ignorance.<br /><br />i was f a s c i n a t e d. i watched her, sometimes they caught me, and stared a bit too. or rather, that was when i moved ahead. semester two, they were four seats behind and on my left. anytime they spoke, i twisted around to watch. every time they laughed, i grinned uncontrollably. fuck, i was gone even then.<br /><br />year ten - i had come out as bisexual during the wane of two thousand and fourteen, so i knew that i liked girls. after i came to that revelation about myself, mostly thanks to many of my own friends coming out, i realised. i had a crush on them.<br /><br />year ten swimming carnival. god, i wanted to talk about them their legs, their hair, their personality, their laugh. i wanted.<br />i "let it slip" that i had a crush on someone. oh, and they pounced on that. took the bait.<br />"who is it, who is it? if we guess, will you tell us we're right?" the guessed correctly.<br /><br />lycia.<br /><br />l y c i a .<br /><br />l y c i a .<br /><br />lee-sha. lei-sha. what i'd give for them to be mine.<br /><br /><br /><br />so it was pining. pining throughout year ten; lycia was in my history, my science, my religion ... classes spent looking askance and wanting to run my fingers through their hair.<br /><br />we talked. sometimes. every time, my heart jumped into my throat and choked me, i took rasping breaths to abate my trembling fingers.<br /><br />then, year eleven. we finally got split up. our interests divided - i went to history and hospitality, they went to music and physics. chem? i'm not sure.<br /><br />but english. we're in english together. right across from me, i can't help but see them whenever i look up. sweet, sweet torture. one hour a day, less than, to feel my heart pound against my rib cage when they so much as look at me.<br /><br />i'm not in love.<br /><br />right?<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=hardlystraight&ditemid=618" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2016-07-26:2535431:494hello2016-07-26T13:11:06Z2016-07-26T13:11:06Ztalking is hard; walk the moonsickpublic0hi everyone, this is just an intro.<br /><br />i have a couple of things running, so this is mainly a venting account. if you want to chat, by all means go ahead! but mostly i'll be getting shit outta my system<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=hardlystraight&ditemid=494" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments